来自阿肯色州小岩城的婚姻与家庭咨询师贝基·惠茨通说,永远不要对伴侣说这句话,或者,即使这样说了,也不要让他们认为你真这么想.了解他人的情绪或想法是不可能的,所以这样的假设留给你自己就好.
"These statements are aggravating because your spouse knows that what you're accusing them of is not true," she said. "What you're saying suggests you don't think very highly of your S.O. It's a double dose of pain in one sentence."
她说："这样的话容易激化矛盾,因为对方认为你的指责不实.并且,你说的话表明你对对方的评价不高.所以,这句话包含了双重伤害."
4. "Do I look like I've put on weight?"
"我是不是胖了？"
"What you really mean by asking this is, 'I know I've put on weight. I'm unhappy about how I look and I need you to say that you're OK with my current state.'" she said. "These types of questions are all about side-stepping personal responsibility, plus they force your partner into an enabling role," said Robyn Wahlgast, a dating and relationship coach for women.
"你问这句话的真正意思是'我知道我体重增加了,我不满意我的样子,我需要你说你对我的现状很满意'.回答这些问题都不是必要的个人责任,而且这种问题相当于在逼迫伴侣去发挥激励你的作用,"女性约会和恋爱辅导师萝宾·沃尔葛斯特如是说.
5. "Have you put on a few pounds?"
"你是不是胖了？"
Blunt, negative remarks to your spouse about his or her appearance are also out of line.
直白、消极地评论配偶的外貌也越过了红线.
"Unconstructive criticism of physical appearance is as bad as it gets," Whetstone said. "It's painful because you're suggesting that your partner isn't good enough or that they're less than or defective."
"毫无助益地批评外貌,要多糟有多糟,"惠茨通说."这样很伤人,因为你在暗示你的伴侣不够好、差那么一点、有缺陷."
6. "You're a horrible parent, breadwinner, lover..."
"你是个糟糕的家长/当家的/爱人……"
Put-downs centered around your spouse's family or occupational roles are particularly cruel, said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida.
贬低你配偶的家庭或职业角色非常残忍,弗罗里达迈阿密滩市心理治疗师M·加里·诺依曼说.
"Negative statements about our self-identities are devastating," he said. "These roles are so important and tender. When they're questioned, we feel completely torn down. It becomes hard to forget statements like this."
他说："消极评价个人身份的结果是毁灭性的.我们的角色重要又脆弱,它们一旦被质疑,我们就感觉完全崩溃了.我们也很难忘掉这样的话."
7. "Ugh, I hate when you do that." (Said in front of friends or family.)
（当着朋友或家人的面说）"呃,我讨厌你那么做."
Putting your spouse down in front of others is a huge no-no in a relationship, said Whetstone.
惠茨通说,当着他人的面贬低配偶是婚姻与恋爱关系中万万不可做的事.
"In this example, you are gathering people against your spouse — and what is worse than that? It is hard to recover from such a boundary violation," she said. "It causes resentment and a lack of trust."
