Proposing in China: hard mode for foreigners

In Ancient China, marriage proposals were a formal affair, with go-betweens and horoscopes and elaborate gifts being presented by the groom to the bride's family.

These days, while proposals are not necessarily as stiff and serious as they once were, popping the question in the right way and ensuring the bride's (and her family's) approval is no less important to young Chinese men looking to marry their sweethearts.

Western style proposals have started catching on in China, with young Chinese just as likely to get down on one knee and offer a ring as they are to present the girl's parents with a red envelope.

Perhaps due to the influence of Hollywood movies, outrageous proposals and grand romantic gestures are also becoming increasingly popular with young couples.

Recently, one Guangzhou woman turned down her boyfriend's e-mailed marriage proposal, claiming he lacked originality, so he came up with an elaborate proposal to take place at the premier of Transformers 3.

Another young man, Pan Kun of Qingdao, wanted to make sure his offer of marriage was memorable for his wife to-be and convinced 48 of his buddies to dress up as giant carrots and do a public dance before his girlfriend of six months.

Pan spent over 100,000 RMB on the affair, which took three weeks of planning and preparation. The video of his marriage proposal went viral on the internet, sparking the admiration of netizens for his creativity and willingness to embarrass himself for his girlfriend.

How to pop the question

So, if you're thinking of proposing to your Chinese girlfriend, how should you go about it?

 While you might not necessarily need 48 dancing carrots, most Chinese girls admire a romantic gesture and certainly it won't hurt to at least take her out for a nice dinner and get down on one knee and give her the traditional "Western" proposal she's seen in all the movies. Engagement rings are not traditionally a part of China's wedding culture, but again, the influence of Western culture has started to make the diamond engagement ring more and more common with Chinese couples, so it is probably a good idea to prepare some sort of ring.

Chinese women will not necessarily have the same preconceived notions about how big the ring should be or how many months of your salary it should cost, but will probably expect something nice and tasteful that is not too cheap.

Also, while it isn't necessary to bring a go-between, if your girlfriend is a more traditional type, it is probably a good idea to get the okay from her parents before popping the question.

Be prepared, however, her parents may have high expectations from their future son-in-law, particularly if he happens to be a foreigner.

Prepare for the unexpected

One American man in Guizhou intended on proposing to his Chinese girlfriend, a waitress from one of the rural villages in the area, and was shocked to find that her parents expected that he would first buy an apartment in the city where they could live together with the couple – something that has long been expected of Chinese men in the past.

A Canadian discovered, much to his dismay, that his girlfriend's parents would require a large bride price before they would allow their daughter to marry him.

Expectations for a future groom will vary from province to province, city to city, and will also depend on social class. While city-bred Chinese women are often said to require a minimum of an apartment and a car before they'll agree to get married, sometimes women from the countryside do not demand as much – unless, as in our American friend's case, their parents see an opportunity to profit from their future son-in-law.

In order to avoid surprises, talk with your girlfriend before you ask her hand in marriage and find out what the customs are in her part of China.

Whether you should present her parents with a hong bao or keys to a new villa, whether there are any local traditions – gifts you should give to friends and family to announce the upcoming wedding, for instance – so that you aren't caught by surprise when the time comes.

If you aren't in the position to buy an apartment or pay some sort of bridal price, work out a strategy with your intended spouse that will reassure her and her family that you are serious about her and intend to support and take care of her. Also keep in mind that once a relationship becomes serious, Chinese women will often expect it to progress quickly towards marriage, so don't put off your proposal for too long if you want to keep your girlfriend in your life.

Many Chinese couples get married within a year of starting their relationship, especially once both have already joined the workforce and established their place in society. In the end, no matter whether the proposal be elaborate and off the wall, or simple and sweet, this will be a moment that you both remember for the rest of your lives so do your best to plan it out and make sure that you're ready to take that next step when the right moment comes.