Grandmas balk at rocking the cradle(2)

The generation gap often leads to quarrels and conflicts. A typical problem is pampering and spoiling children by indulgent grandparents.

"My mother gives my daughter salty food, which is bad for a 6-month-old child," complains Joyce Liu, a 30-year-old financial accountant. "In fact, I'm not comfortable with many other things my mother does, but I can't point out too many problems, otherwise, she will be furious. I wish I could quit work and care for my daughter myself."

The high cost of living and financial responsibilities make that impossible.

"I have a mortgage, plus expenses for milk, food, diapers and other things — my monthly family expenses are nearly 15,000 yuan (US$2,415)," says Liu. She can't quit in this competitive market because someone will swiftly take her place and she won't be able to return.

"And I feel sorry for my mother, since I still need her labor," she says.

Despite tradition and the need for free baby-sitters, 63-year-old Zhang Chao, a former university professor, turned down her son's request to take over childcare.

"I already raised him and I can't afford to spend my later years raising another child," she says. "I'm not the mother and father — it's their responsibility."

Zhang has seen what happens to some of her former professional colleagues who care full-time for grandchildren.

"They are careworn and fully occupied from morning till night. Even going to the cinema or attending a concert becomes a luxury," she says. "And a small mistake might ruin all you've given."

Childcare used to be quite relaxed, but not today when parents want baby Einsteins. Zhang says one of her overworked friends fell seriously ill.

"Now I am healthy and I expect to enjoy my remaining years. Why should I subject myself to this? I'd rather give my son some financial support to hire an ayi (domestic helper) in exchange for my freedom."

Zhu Hai, a 63-year-old former teacher, refuses to relinquish her entire day too.

"I told my son I could go to his home and baby-sit for half a day, but he must hire help for the rest of the day," she says. "I need time for myself, to relax."

When she was younger, society was very different, options were fewer and convention was still strong. Zhu used to envy younger people. "Now in my golden years, I want to compensate for all that time. I'm not an hardworking 'old ox' for my entire life," she says.

Some grandparents who can afford it hire an ayi to baby-sit, but many people cannot afford to hire a replacement and quite a few nannies are not reliable.

"My mother once suggested hiring a nanny for my daughter, and I immediately refused," says Christine Wang, a 30-year-old HR assistant at a multinational advertising company. "How could I be at ease entrusting my daughter to someone who is not a blood relation?"

The salaries for both live-in and part-time ayi are going up. Live-in help can cost around 4,500 yuan a month; hourly wages are around 20 yuan.

"Money is an issue but the quality of the whole group is disappointing. I heard one stay-at-home nanny even gave sleeping pills to a newborn to keep him from crying, and another even ate his food," Wang says. "I ask my mother to help because her love is unselfish."

Free labor and trust make grandparents indispensable in many families.

"But I always tell parents how important it is for them to care for the child themselves 1 or 2 years after the baby are born. Mothers and fathers can't be replaced," says psychologist Feng.

Sooner or later, problems arise, she says, adding that grandparents often spoil children, who can become so attached to grandparents that they prefer them to their mother and father.

It's also unfair to impose on grandparents who may not have the health and energy to handle an active child.

"No matter how hard it is, a child is best reared by his or her parents because parenting is a full-time job," the psychologist concludes.