Country boy, city girl(2)

"He said that he wouldn't buy an apartment in Beijing because property prices were too high," said Xu, who added that he wanted them to eventually move back to his hometown in the countryside.

"I can't stand the idea of living in the countryside," she said.

Finally, Xu ended the relationship after realizing that the things they wanted were too far apart. "I wouldn't say I would never date a fenghuangnan again, but I would definitely think twice about it the next time," said Xu.

A country boy's story

Yang Feng (pseudonym), a 31-year-old doctoral graduate from Tsinghua University, leads a comfortable life in Beijing with a base salary of 250,000 yuan ($40,142) per year.

However, Yang said that when he is sitting alone in his car or eating in a fancy restaurant, he can't help thinking back to his impoverished upbringing in Xiliu village, Hebei Province.

His father, a manual laborer, supported the family by carrying iron and steel weighing up to 150 kilograms from their village to the township nearby, on nothing more than a rickety bicycle, along bumpy dirt roads in the sweltering heat of summer. He remembers his mother keeping the news of her illness from him, in order not to distract him from his studies. On his 10th birthday, his older brother starved himself for two days to save enough money to buy him two tea eggs as a gift.

"I think the public's view toward fenghuangnan like me is biased," Yang said. "Fenghuangnan have a lot of virtues. We are filial, frugal and we're not afraid of hard work."

"After all, we've had to work a lot harder than people in the city just to be on the same level as them, because there's still a huge economic disparity between the city and the countryside."

However, Yang admitted that his experiences of having been poor created problems in his previous romantic relationships.

"My ex-girlfriend was from a well-off family in a city. She was used to receiving expensive gifts from her family on her birthdays, such as gold necklaces or jade bracelets," Yang said. "I decided to make her a custom birthday card which would flash with lights and sing when she opened it."

Yang's ex-girlfriend was not impressed. "I didn't have any money to buy gifts when I was growing up, so I just made my own gifts," said Yang. "I always thought it was the thought that counted."

Yang said they would also get into fights about mundane everyday matters, like where they would go to eat, or the way that he dressed.

"When we went out together, I didn't think it was important to eat at a fancy restaurant or to stay at a five- star hotel. I can eat or sleep anywhere, so long as it's clean," Yang said. "My ex was also unhappy about the way I dressed. I don't care about branded clothes. It's not that I can't afford it, but for me, the whole purpose of clothes is just to keep me warm."

Another sticking point for the couple was where they would live.

"I'm satisfied with having a home in any part of the city, and frankly speaking, I can't afford to buy an apartment downtown," Yang said. "[Whenever I spend money], I can't help but think of my parents [still] toiling on the farm and eating inexpensively and my younger sister who is still at school doing her PhD."

Yang's ex-girlfriend broke up with him last December. He said that although he has lived in Beijing for more than a decade, he was still a country boy at heart.

"My living habits and worldview are still shaped by a lack of economic means when I was growing up," Yang said.

The art of compromise

Sun Hao, a relationship counselor based in Beijing, said that every couple has differences, and that compromise and mutual understanding were the keys to a healthy relationship.

"City girls have grown up used to certain comforts, so they have higher expectations in daily life," said Sun. "Fenghuangnan might be not willing or able to provide them that kind of life, but they can meet halfway."

Sun said that in Yang's case, he could buy an apartment a little closer to downtown area to make his girlfriend happy, without having to spend as much money as buying an apartment in the center of Beijing.

"Fenghuangnan often have to shoulder a large [economic] burden for their families," Sun said. "But they shouldn't ask their spouses to shoulder the same burden with them, because it is too much pressure to put on one's partner."

As for kongquenü, said Sun, it was important that they held their tempers when conflicts arose, because often, fenghuangnan already felt a sense of inferiority from having grown up poor.

"They need to compromise more for the sake of harmony in the relationship."

Ren Xiaoyu, a kongquenü who has been happily married to a fenghuangnan for four years, is proof that phoenix-peacock relationships can work.

"My husband helps out his relatives [economically], but always within our capabilities," Ren said. "He respects me and he respects women. He doesn't have this feudal mentality of preferring boys over girls. We have a little daughter, and he loves her just as much [as he would a son]."

Ren said that they still have differences, but they have found ways of resolving them. "He is very frugal over clothes, and sometimes I get upset about it. But when those situations come up, I either talk to him openly or just let it go."