Domestic lives of foreign women with Chinese mothers-in-law(2)

Ember Swift from Canada takes a stroll with her Chinese mother-in-law (left) and her two children. Photo: Courtesy of Ember Swift

"When I arrived at his home, I was shocked. It was in the middle of nowhere, and completely run down." said Nune, 47. "I started to despair. If it wasn't for the fact that I loved [Deng] so much, I would have immediately returned to Armenia."

Nune did not speak the Weihai dialect, but she said that she could sense that her husband's mother was unimpressed with her.

In Armenia, Nune had worked as a nurse, and had no farming experience. Unfamiliar with her surrounding, she mistook a cooking pot for a laundry bucket. Her mother-in-law, she later found out, accused her of being like a "pretty vase" who didn't know how to graft.

Since then, Nune has worked to meet her mother-in-law's expectations, and their relationship has improved. Nune now speaks the local dialect fluently, and has made an effort to conform to the cultural customs of the village.

"At the beginning, when we had guests at the house, my mother-in-law would ask me to sit with them. But she would always stay away from the room," said Nune. "Later I found out that it was because women do not have the 'privilege' of sitting at the table with men when the family has guests."

Although Nune doesn't agree with the custom, she has since decided to follow it.

"[Nowadays], I accompany her [rather than stay with my husband]. I have never thought about changing this tradition. I'm the newcomer. If I want to survive here, I need to follow their rules," she said.

Cultural faux pas

Hungarian actress and media personality Victoria Varadi married her Chinese husband in 2013. The first time she met her mother-in-law, Varadi brought lilies, which she said is customary in her country when meeting a guest's family for the first time.

"I could sense that she liked me," said Varadi, 30. "I think this may be because she could see from my body language how much I loved her son."

However, Varadi committed a cultural faux pas - she addressed her mother-in-law by her first name, rather than calling her "mother." She continued addressing her mother-in-law by her first name for a number of months.

"In my country, we only address our biological parents as 'mother' and 'father,'" said Varadi. "It was only after my father-in-law spoke to my husband about it that I realized she wasn't happy about this. Since then, I've started calling her 'mother.'"

Varadi said that she has become quite close to her mother-in-law. On one occasion, her mother-in-law apologized to her for not being able to buy an apartment for her in Beijing.

"She started crying. Then I started crying too. She was so nice," said Varadi. "I don't care about having a house [in Beijing]. In my country, it's not the parents' duty to buy a house for their son and his wife. [But] it made me feel like she was treating me as a real family member."

A mother-in-law's view

Li Jian'en, Gutowski's mother-in-law, said she was worried at first when she heard that her son wanted to marry a foreigner.

"I have a friend whose son married a woman from New Zealand. They all live together and my friend told me that there were a lot of problems," said Li. "For instance, her daughter-in-law won't let her enter their bedroom. So when my son got married, I talked to my husband, and we decided that we should give them their space and allow them to live in a separate house."

Li said although she initially felt a bit uncomfortable with her daughter-in-law, they now get along quite well.

"She is very polite, but she also speaks her mind directly," said Li. "If there's something she doesn't like, she tells me, which is nice."

Li said that at first, she was also worried about the fact that Gutowski was better-educated than her son.

"In China, we prefer the man in the relationship to have at least the same educational background as the woman," said Li. "But after seeing how well they get on together, I'm not worried about it anymore."

Gutowski said that her husband's mother treated her "as if I were her own daughter."

"I've heard a lot of stories about people who don't like their mothers-in-law," said Gutowski. "But I like mine so much."

As for Swift, her relationship with her mother-in-law has improved tremendously. In April last year, Swift paid a special tribute to her mother-in-law by specifically thanking her on a television talent contest called "Super Diva" that was broadcast on Dragon Television.

"I thanked my mother-in-law, and said I wanted to paimapi ["kick ass"] for my mother-in law," said Swift.

Her mother-in-law was not pleased with her using the expression "paimapi," which she thought was vulgar, but she was moved by the gesture.

"My mother-in-law told me, after I went backstage, that I was a very good wife," said Swift. "I couldn't believe it. I was really moved."