Parents feel loss as more children go abroad(2)

Need to adjust

Counselors and educators suggest that many parents can feel lost and suffer psychological and emotional stress after their children go abroad.

They need to adjust to a new way of life — sometimes shifting their attention from child to spouse.

"It is inevitable that the parents feel lonely and frustrated after their children leave home, but they should learn how to make psychological adjustments, look for new interests and find happiness in daily life," said Jia Rongtao, a family education counselor and chairman of the Rongtao education group.

Jia said such parents can participate in recreational activities such as painting, calligraphy, playing the piano and singing, to enrich their lives and overcome loneliness.

"Society also needs to be more concerned about empty nest families. Communities can organize various activities and give psychological guidance and support when parents encounter emotional problems."

Zhang Jing, 27, has been studying in Hong Kong part time for a master's degree. She also works at a local research institution. This is the fourth year she has been away from her hometown in Taiyuan, the capital of Shanxi province.

Zhang phones her parents every day and asks for advice when she faces difficulties.

"I think Hong Kong is a city full of opportunities and I will continue to work in the region," Zhang said.

"I want to stay together with my parents and have them live in Hong Kong as they become older, but I need to consider economic factors. I sometimes blame myself for not being able to be with them."

Zhang's mother, surnamed Liu, 54, works as a pharmacist in a hospital in Taiyuan. She told China Daily she was "very proud" when her daughter went to Hong Kong to study, but the longer her daughter stayed there, the more lonely she felt. Liu's husband, 53, is a businessman.

"I feel very rejuvenated when she comes back for vacation. I am willing to cook different kinds of food for her but, when she returns to Hong Kong, I have no interest in cooking and eat randomly. Life seems to be lacking something for me."

Liu goes to Hong Kong almost twice a year to see her daughter. She insists that she will support her daughter's choice "to develop her career and life in Hong Kong, and hope she can work happily and realize her dream".

Respect and support

Xu Yan, a professor from the school of psychology at Beijing Normal University, told China Daily that parents should care for their children "moderately" and not interfere with their personal lives.

"Their excessive concerns and worries might affect their children, overburden their children and even make them feel disgusted. This can affect the healthy development of the children," Xu said.

Xu said parents should not let children with low self-control go abroad because they may go astray and lose themselves when faced with temptations in foreign places.

"Furthermore, the parents should shift their attention to themselves and their spouse. Before their children go abroad, the whole attention of a family is often focused on the children. But the parents need to make a change, spend more time interacting with their spouse and care more about each other, to fill the vacuum of feelings when their children leave home."

Xu suggested that such parents respect and support their children's choice, giving suggestions and ideas if necessary, to let the children grow independently.

But there are also parents who are not affected by their children's absence.

A businesswoman surnamed Tao in Langfang, Hebei province, sent her 22-year-old daughter and 19-year-old son to Canada last year. She does not worry about them at all.

"It is a good opportunity for them to practice their different abilities. Studying abroad is their choice. I don't force them to do anything," said Tao, whose husband is a businessman.

She said her daughter often misses home and returns home at holidays.

"Their living environment in Canada is also safe. My life is almost as normal as before and I am busy with my work."