Never too late for love

A couple of young hot girls making out as shown in the movies - that is probably the first thing that comes to many people's minds when the topic of lesbians is brought up. Abandon that old superficial first impression, because one needs to realize not all lesbians are young, or hot for that matter. They exist in every age bracket instead, including the middle and old aged. So what do we know about senior lesbians in Beijing?

Sabrina Liu, 47, is a divorced housewife with a 20-year-old son. She is also a lesbian from Beijing. Falling in love with Tao Tao (pseudonym), her 28-year-old girlfriend, is viewed as a "miracle" by Liu.

"I am much older and I don't have much money. I don't know why Tao loves me. She just told me that love needs no reason," Liu said smiling.

As they approach their "seven-year itch", Liu and Tao are still close. They lead a happy and rewarding life now, one similar to their heterosexual counterparts.

But has it always been easy for them and for other people in a similar situation?

Acting role of housewife

At a lesbian gathering, the first information to provide about oneself, except the name, is whether you are a "T" or "P". "T", short for "tomboy", refers to the masculine one in a lesbian relationship, and usually the initiator in bed; "P", short for 'po' as in "laopo", which means "wife" in Chinese, refers to the feminine one.

Tao is a "T" and Liu is a "P". But in the old days when society was more ignorant about homosexuality, Liu did not know anything about these. In fact, she did not realize she was gay until she was well past 30 years old. Not interested in boys at college, Liu liked spending time with girls, even taking naps together and cuddling.

"I was sexually aroused by touching a girl's top, but I didn't know what that meant," Liu recalled.

Confused yet innocent, she married a man at the age of 26, when her family told her it was time for a girl to get married. After giving birth to their son, she and her husband fought a lot, mainly because Liu refused to have sex any more.

Everything changed in her 30s when Liu met a girl online, and kissed her later. "It felt really good," she said, finally knowing her real sexual orientation.

Later Liu met Tao and they quickly fell in love. Impulsive and eager to get out of marriage, in 2006 Liu signed an agreement that she wouldn't take anything from the marriage, including the apartment, the money and her son, and got a divorce.

Problems occurred after they moved in together. With Liu not working and Tao still in graduate school doing only part-time jobs, they could barely make ends meet.

But the biggest problem was Tao didn't want Liu to spend time with her son. Liu said, "Tao just hates the fact that I have a son."

Liu wanted to break up, which caused endless fighting and in depression, Tao even tried to kill herself.

Things have improved through the years, and for Tao, they are considering a "marriage of convenience", which means a marriage between a gay man and a lesbian for the purpose of hiding their homosexuality, due to the pressure from Tao's parents.

They also want a child out of this marriage by surrogacy. "I want somebody to look after Tao when she's 70 or 80 and I die first," said Liu.

Socially isolated?

Lesbians in China, especially the senior ones, tend to hide their sexual orientation. As modern and educated as Liu is, she still chooses not to come out openly and tells her straight friends that she and Tao are cousins.

Only her parents and son know the truth. "Fortunately, my parents don't care as long as the secret is kept in the family, and my son just wants me to be happy," she said.

In fact, most senior lesbians live with their children, who usually know about their mother being gay and are fairly supportive about them finding a partner, Liu said. "My friend Li, 49, is a good example," she added.

Besides getting support from the family, most people whether gay or straight need a feeling of connectedness and a sense of community, and often these needs grow as they become older.

Liu doesn't feel held back socially, thanks to her many friends and all the gay bars in Beijing. In the past Liu has enjoyed online dating, and another prominent way to socialize is via gatherings held by groups like Beijing's Lesbian Center (formerly known as Lala Salon), a grassroots NGO dedicated to support and connect the local lesbian community.

But not everybody is as active as Liu. Xiao Yao, a volunteer at the center, told Metro Beijing that many lesbians between the ages of 40 to 70 come there hoping to find a partner but fail.

They usually have a clearer understanding of life due to their age, but equally a more rigid system of values, which makes it harder to find a partner matching all their standards concerning money, looks, children, living arrangements and so on.

Many who fail to find a partner expressed an attraction towards marrying a much older man just for company, one old enough so that he doesn't have the capacity to have sex, Liu said.

Sex and other issues

"We had a great sex life," Liu noted. "It was passionate and intense."

"But now I don't want so much any more," she added. "Maybe it's my age, you know, having fewer hormones."

Worried about this, Tao consulted with other senior couples and found out they are not alone.

On top of regular problems associated with getting old, including health problems and retirement issues, the situation for lesbian seniors can be particularly testing, with mental pressure from potential social prejudice and malicious gossip.　

Due to conservative values still dominating in China, and a lack of education during their youth, senior lesbians carry a great psychological burden, explained An Ke, 47, co-founder of the Lesbian Center.

"It's important that senior lesbians get recognized by society," An noted.